Tuesday, March 9, 2010

On paper

You do well on your quizzes. You ace those tests. You get into good schools. You add lines to your resume. You're great on paper. And even if nothing else is perfect, at least there's that. At least you can pull up your transcript and stare at it for a moment. At least you can draw a deep breath and say "I kick ass". At least you can believe it. Because even if you forget for a moment or two, there's hard proof. Something objective. Something that helps you ride out that moment of disillusionment, that second of despair. So long as you're approaching perfection in at least one area, at least one thing, you're fine, you're a-okay. Because it's right there on paper, and what's on paper - well, it's concrete.

So it's okay that you don't really talk to your dad. And it's okay that you could be a better friend. And it's okay that you never beat your sister in a race. And it's okay if you're lonely. And it's okay that you can't bake. And it's okay if you never completed the dozens of scarves you began knitting. Because there's a way to work on all of that when you know you can do at least one thing well.

And then one day you look at that paper and you see it dissolve. You're not approaching perfection anymore. No, you're diving deep into the other direction.

And suddenly you feel like you might just crumble. Because if there's not even that...then...what?


Sash said...

I think you're a great friend... but yes, I know this feeling. It infiltrates.

Lauren E. said...

that made me tear up. so, so well written. and yeah... i've been there, too.