Monday, July 9, 2012

I don't believe in the one.

I don't.

And yet, here I am, 2 1/2 years into a relationship, wondering where I, he, we are going. If I lived in a vacuum, I probably wouldn't be this anxious.

But I don't.

It's wedding season on Facebook. Smiling faces that I only partly recognize, some not at all anymore, accost me with every log in. White finery, bundles of flowers, oh look, their signature cocktail was in a mason jar. Am I some sort of curmudgeon, scowling at the computer screen? 

I don't think so.

Quite the opposite, actually. I'm just a romantic with a bad sense of visioning. Because, deep down, I want it all - the white finery, bundles of flowers, quirky accent-piece. And I'm squee-elated, ecstatic, enthusiastic, when dear ones, like our M and D, decide to commit to each other. I know just how much they care for each other, how much they look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day, how they challenge each other and share inside jokes. I'm blessed to know them and even more honored that they asked me to share their day with them. But when it comes to me, my life, and my choices -

I don't know how to decide.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Cloudy with a chance of tears

Inertia is paralyzing. I've been jobless for 9 months now, and at this point every time I open the browser I wonder if it's even worth looking for something. Every time I open Word to start a cover letter my fingers hover over the keys, unable to move, my heart constricting at the sight of the blank white page in front of me. I pore over wedding boards and click through endless photos of smiling brides and the latest cutest wedding favors. I bake a new batch of cookies. The apartment has never been cleaner. I joke about becoming a housewife, but my own smiles aren't real. I cancel drinks and lunches and phone dates with friends because I don't have an answer to the ever present "what's new." Impossible to keep a smile in my voice, even more so to actually tell the truth. I agonize for hours over a single "networking" email. I hesitate five hundred times before clicking send. And along comes an opportunity. And slips away. And here I am baking another batch of cookies. I wonder if I should even eat them - full of frustration and lack of motivation and cringing despair - would it be akin to poisoning myself? 

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Starting up again...

Grad school, with all of the dense readings, the lectures on little known subjects, the lunches with friends sharing unbelievable stories, has been an enlightening experience. Yet, all the above mentioned factors aside, the most enlightening aspect has been the interaction with my male peers.

My undergrad experience was far from the see a cute guy in the halls, smile, know you will probably run into him later at whatever solo cup rager was going on that weekend, look as cute as possible on that night, and then who knows what. In my case, if I saw a cute guy in the halls, chances were I would probably never see him again. Now, here I am in a full on campus environment, where, after one semester, I know everyone's face if not their name. It's both comforting and disquieting.

Our Dean said in his welcome speech that some of us, undoubtedly, will get married to each other. How could that possibly be the case? It already feels incestuous to view each other romantically - and oh how people would talk. And yet that doesn't stop people, attached or otherwise, from making eyes and overtures...