Saturday, January 16, 2010

It's raining men?

People don't flirt with me anymore.
What? What does that mean?
I mean, I don't know, people. Boys. They don't flirt with me. It's like I'm wearing a big sign on my forehead or something. Like, stay away, I'm already involved, don't flirt. ARE involved. With me.
Yea but you know what I mean! Ouf, you're taking this the wrong way. I'm just saying, I don't feel wanted, you know? Desired. Desirable.
I want you. I desire you. Don't I make you feel desirable?
No no no, you're not, never mind, that's not what I meant. You know that's not what I meant. I love coming home to you. I love you. You're awesome. I just want other people to want me too.
So...what? You can reject them?
What? I'm not an awful person - whatever. I don't want someone to fall head over heels in love with me just so I can reject him. I just want someone to want me. And then I could reject them.
I want you.
Ouf. Never mind. Can you just kiss me now?

He kissed my pseudo-frown away and I forgot my pseudo-grumbles. He laughed at me and all was right with the world. But is it wrong that it sometimes kinda sorta not really but yea still gets under my skin? That when I walk down the street it's like I give off a not-interested-vibe. at a party no cute boy tries to buy me a drink. That it feels like even without trying I have developed some sort of don't-approach-me aura.

Then again, maybe it just means that I don't see it. Maybe the cute guy smiles and I see him only as a friend so I don't see the flirt behind his upturned lips. Maybe the cute guy says we should get coffee and I say yea of course I'll tell the others. Maybe the cute guy doesn't even register as cute anymore.

And I don't know if that's more disturbing or less.

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