Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Glorious Fear

I am afraid of commitment. Afraid with the kind of fear that closely attaches itself to the deepest desires of my heart. I can’t even think about it; so I run away from it. I have never dated anyone longer than three months. Many of these men have been such wonderful, generous, loving men that their ultimate desire for marriage has scared me shitless. The close and almost tangible reality that I could quite possibly marry one of these men, if I wanted to, has sent me runaway bride style, galloping away on the back of a horse wearing a big white fluffy wedding dress. Not quite, but hopefully you get the picture.

Once, I went on a few dates with a friend and actually enjoyed the dating experience until he told me of a conversation he had with a close friend of his, “I told him you were perfect except for the fact that you aren’t athletic, haha. Do you play tennis?” I knew then and there he was boldly picturing me in a tight white tennis outfit, wearing the four karat diamond he’d put on my finger, while I beat him at the sport on an early Saturday morning. We never went out again. My last boyfriend was so kind, caring and loving that I couldn’t let him be that for me anymore. It all seemed too close to the real thing; grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner before a long talk and a long make out session on his futon, three nights a week!

I thought this one was different. I have been seeing him for a little over a month now and I’m enjoying him so much.. I didn’t think that fear had the same hold anymore. My boldness and ease has amazed me. Even after he declared his intentions for me, stating his desire to know me better, after he told me that he wasn’t dating for recreational purposes but ultimately wanted a life long committed relationship. Even then I didn’t freak.. I hung in there and was honest with him. This thing, this relationship has been a breath of fresh air and just so easy.

Until... he decided to surprise me last week. “Hey, you free tonight? I have an idea that might just be crazy enough to work. Meet me at the Barnes and Nobel on W. 66th a little before 7:30. OH and you might wanna dress up a little bit.” I was so excited all day long, filled with anticipation and wonder. I could not believe this man was surprising me... on a Wednesday…was it my birthday? As soon as I met up with him, saw him wearing a tie, hearing him say the words, “We are going to the Opera,” my heart went numb, cold even. I freaked. We did have a lovely time, but that draw to him, that uncontrollable, untouchable attraction for him slipped away. All day I felt as if there was a humming bird trapped in my rib cage, and there, in his presence, in all of his kind, thoughtful, creative generosity, that bird seemed to break free and fly away.

The days following, I took some time to evaluate my own heart and mind, my past, my own fears and desires so closely connected they are hard to tell apart. I decided not to run away. I decided to just stay, to calm down and wait; to stick around until the next date. Slowly but surely the days leading up to our next encounter, that desire filled anticipation came back, this time with less fear. I am choosing to walk on and press in, to see where this leads me, without fear and without restraint. I will let those desires rise and I won’t gallop away from them, even if I do freak out.


Lauren E. said...

i love the "grilled cheese sandwiches" line. it explains that situation so well.

now... had you said "melted gruyere between grilled brioche smeared with roasted garlic" then i'd say you had something going there!

JRenee said...

Tooo true. It reminds me of that line from "The Devil Wears Prada" when her boyfriend says,"Don't waste that, there is like $7 worth of jarlsberg in there!"