Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Heart Wants

"So, I'm calling because I'd like to move back home the last week in June. And I need to know if you're okay with this so I can start putting things in motion."

A pause. A long pause. There is never a pause in conversation with my mother.

"Well, yeah, you know we're always here for you! But... what will you do if you can't find a job?"
"I'll have saved up enough money as a cushion and then I'll move to Seattle at the end of August."
"Without a job? Without health care?"

I felt my confidence deflating, slowly, slowly. My chest tightened. My eyes threatened tears.

"I have to do something!" I proclaimed, my voice wavering only slightly. "I can not stay in this job, I can not stay in this apartment, I can not stay in this city. I have to do something!"

I feel so helpless. I feel trapped in technicalities like money and health care when my entire heart and soul is telling me to go.

"I don't think it's that crazy!" I exclaimed, trying desperately to pull her to my side. It's not crazy, you're not crazy, this is not crazy. Maybe it is crazy. Maybe I will get to Seattle and have a break down and think to myself, My GOD, what did I do?!

Or I will stay in this dirty, overpriced apartment, in my dead end, brainless job, in this cruel and soulless city, and I will break down in a different way.

It shouldn't be so hard but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do.


MP said...

have courage. you're probably doing the bravest thing you'll ever do. and parents are there to pull you back from the roller coaster, but if you don't step forward you'll never have that ride.

and also...when you're figuring out a monthly budget for yourself, keep some chocolate at hand. being brave is unfortunately quite scary, but chocolate ALWAYS helps. always.

Lauren E. said...

that made me laugh and cry and thank you so much for both.