The next three days were a barrage of knee squeezing, hand holding, and cuddling. We didn’t spend every minute together but at times it felt like this is what it would be like to live here and be with him. He’d pick me up and take me out, his friends would hug me hello, we’d automatically be each other’s beer pong partners. I found myself falling in love with the little things I wanted from him. I was so tired of maintaining feelings based on texts and phone calls. This real life was so much happier.
Sunday night came faster than I could’ve ever imagined, and we said goodbye outside M.’s house in the dark. I didn’t get to say any of the things I wanted to say, all the things I had prepared. I want to know what you think of us, what you think of this thing we’re doing here. Does it worry you? Does it stress you out? What do we do about it? Instead I let his fingers find my belt loops and focused on the feeling of skin on skin.
“I hope you had a good weekend,” he said. I assured him that I did.
“It’s nice spending time with you like a real person,” I answered.
“Yeah, we should do it again sometime.” What if I moved here? Or even to San Francisco? Would we be together then? He kissed me. Twice. And then he got in his car and drove away.
I kept feeling the tears threaten, the pressure on my face, all the way to the airport and the entire flight home. I held it together through my shower and makeup. And then Kate Nash came on Pandora and her sweet little voice spoke the words in my head.
I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep
Look, all I know is that you’re the nicest thing I’ve ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something