Thursday, November 26, 2009

Just one smile? Just one little hop?

I really wanted to smile, but as soon as the corners of my mouth turned up, something inside me made them turn down again. A straight line. Best not to show too much excitement. Best not to show any excitement. This has happened before. The tantalizing OPPORTUNITY. And again and again it has ended the same way. A bitter blow of rejection that turns the smile on my lips to ashes in my heart.

But my heart wants to leap. Just at the sight of the apple I can already savor it sweetness. My heart doesn't want to look at the path to see if something lurks that can keep me away from my apple. All it sees is the apple. Brilliant, juicy, bright, plump, red, shining. Always shining.

Stop being superstitious I say to myself. Stop thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Stop being so negative. Yet even as the corners of my mouth rise again, my mind immediately whips it back into shape. I must reign in my heart, my mind says. But my heart, it won't listen to anything, it has worked itself into such a state of excitement.

Maybe I'll allow it a tiny little smile of excitement today. Just a little tiny one. Despite that ever present possibility - my sarcastic mind would call it probability - of rejection, could I allow my heart just one tiny little smile? Just before pulling the corners of my mouth into a straight line again? Then not to show any excitement for things that are yet so uncertain.

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