Thursday, August 13, 2009

A Lesson in Chemistry

The spark. The chemistry. The connection. It screws me every time. With E. it forced me to pretend his relationship with his ex-girlfriend didn’t bother me. With J.C. it pushed me into believing that he’d want a relationship eventually, even though he told me flat out he didn’t. With J. I overlooked his blatant lack of interest in my personal life because of it. How far am I willing to go for this apparent spark?

It is currently forcing me away from “real life” guys… the Long Distance Crush. When my phone rang on Tuesday night and my caller ID announced his name, my heart ‘duh-dunk’ed straight past my lungs and out through my rib cage. Texts, Facebook messages, yes. Phone calls? Never. For a millisecond I considered letting it go to voicemail. And then I answered. “Heeey,” I cooed happily. “What are you doing?”

We talked about the weekend, about his potential layoff, about moving to California, and about everything in between. After an hour he finally announced that he should probably go. “I’ll talk to you later, though,” he promised. I hung up and collapsed face first on my bed… grumbled out loud, “Oh God, this is bad.”

The spark. I felt it with the LDC two years ago and this weekend the spark turned into a tiny little flame. Birthday candle sized. With the phone call he fed the flame enough to turn it into a campfire. And now what? Was I supposed to continue on with this painful non-relationship and ignore the men in my life who could actually take me out to dinner and cuddle with me on the couch? These men who have all of the skills but none of the sparkle? I have never known how far to go for this feeling… maybe I never will.

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