Thursday, August 27, 2009

Blind Ambition

The city races, its veins coursing with passionate, driven people. The most renowned fashion editor in the world. The most esteemed real estate mogul. The flawless runway models. The Wall Street tycoons. If you aren’t willing to sacrifice love, health, and happiness for success, better move to Topeka. The pressure to be great is staggering.

My father stares at me with a face so similar to my own, eyes blank. “How are you going to pay for this?”
“What? I don’t know, loans?” He nods, raises his eye brows. Yeah, right, Lauren. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
We get up to leave the lunch table and he mentions a golf event we should attend next August.
“I won’t be here,” I remind him.
“Why not?” I glare. “Oh right, you’ll be in San Francisco.”

I have come to abhor New York City for so many reasons but in the last five years it has taught me well. See something, go after it. Find a way. Get a second job. Take a chance. Risk everything you have because at this point, everything you have isn’t a whole lot.

"Maybe you'll go to Irish Culinary School." It isn't a hopeful suggestion. It's a crack at my previous plans to move to Ireland. Another pipe dream that turned out to be exactly that.

My parents’ support means so much to me, more than I wish it did. And the negativity seeps into every crack in my plan. All I can do is try to force it out.

4 comments:

Sash said...

UGH- how I wish I didn't know this feeling...

MP said...

well, it doesn't hurt to see all the possible things that can go wrong. at least this way you're prepared for them if it happens? and if the world doesn't collapse as they have so direly predicted...well, then all the better no?!

on a separate note: sometimes when there is someone who believes you can accomplish anything in the world, it can hinder you from approaching the more difficult possibilities for fear that you'll let that person down. it would be nice to have your family's support, but on the other hand it could be a blessing - at least you have the courage to take on whatever you want to, without being held back by a fear that if you don't succeed you'll break their belief in you.

Lauren E. said...

this blog is like my therapy... you girls are the best.

JRenee said...

DO IT! DO IT! I hope our encouragment means something.. and maybe it's just what you need since you aren't afraid of breaking our hearts!