Saturday, June 13, 2009


My heart was thudding, threatening to jump right out of its bony cage and into my throat. My cheeks grew warm and for the umpteenth time, somewhere in the back of my mind I was glad of my dark brown skin that prevented anyone from noticing by a tell-tale blush how upset I am. I struggled to control my voice as it almost slipped out of control. My eyes burned from the tears of anger and frustration that threatened to spill out. I caught B's eyes as I spoke into the phone. Disbelief and anger in mine. Questions in hers.

Me: Hey, so I'm calling from B's phone right now. The movie was super fun! Such a good time! I didn't realize the MoMA showed films! And it's such a beautiful evening!
D: Yea, what's up.
Me: Well, since I forgot my phone at your place when I stayed over last night, I wanted to ask you where you are so maybe I can come meet you and get it. If you guys are out maybe B and I can come join you.
D: Yea, I'm in Park Slope.
Me: Oh. I'm uptown.
D: Yea.
Me: Well, do you think you might come up? Do you want to stay over? Or maybe do you think you guys might leave and we can meet somewhere half-way or something?
D: No. Why don't you just come down and stay over here?
Me: I have all of my stuff, my clothes, everything. I've been lugging it around all day. Plus my mom is coming tomorrow morning.
D: Oh yea.
Me: Do you want to meet me in the morning somewhere halfway?
D: I don't know what I'm doing during the day...maybe going for a bike ride. I don't know. I'll just give it to you later.
Me: Can I come down to Brooklyn then at like 8:30am? I have to go pick up my mom at the station. I need my phone.
D: Well why can't she just get to your apartment by herself?
Me: Are you serious? Can I just come down to your place and get my phone in the morning?
D: I don't know what I'm doing during the day. I'll just give it to you when I see you in the afternoon or evening or whatever for dinner.
Me: Fine. Whatever. I guess she'll take a cab. I'll see you tomorrow.
D: Why are you getting mad?
Me: It's fine. I'll see you tomorrow.

"What was all that about? He's not meeting you to give you your phone back?" B asked. Such a silly question. Such a silly THING. Why was she even asking? Isn't it just obvious - of course he would meet me to give me my phone back. Such a silly little thing.

Except of course he wasn't going to.

"I don't know, whatever" I rolled my eyes.

We parted in a few minutes then. It was late, I had to take my stuff home. Plus I didn't trust myself to keep my voice from shaking or my eyes from brimming over. She knows me pretty well. I'm a pretty good actress when it comes to keeping my emotions to myself, but she would know. I couldn't have her know. I couldn't have her questions.

In the 30 minutes it took me to get home my mind was like a broken record: Am I a fool? What the fuck. Am I a fool? What the fuck. The track changed: What the fuck. Am I overreacting? I'm a fool. What the fuck. Am I overreacting? I'm a fool.

I woke up this morning with my heart still heavy. I fought so hard to keep the tears from spilling out that they started spilling in instead. I smooth my features. I shake my head. I take a shower. My mom is coming to visit today. We'll go out and about during the day. We're meeting D for dinner. I paste a smile on my face.

1 comment:

Lauren E. said...

beautiful. i totally felt the emotion.

and i would NOT call this an overreaction at all...