Thursday, June 11, 2009

Be Careful What You Wish For

My stomach dropped to my shoes as I stared at his name flashing across the screen of my phone. He was calling after I specifically said I wanted to talk in person. But clearly that was not how this was going to go.

I drew my breath in deep and pushed "Accept."

"Hey, whats up?" - Me
"Is now a good time?" - B
"I said I wanted to talk in person." I felt my face grow hot with tears and my hand started trembling causing the pens in the jar on my desk to rattle. They seemed just as nervous as I was.

I couldn't tell you when B and I broke up officially. Technically we had been in decline since September. But there was no clear breaking point. We unzipped a 2 and a half year relationship slowly until we reached the point of "friends." I never had a chance to erase him from my mind. So how can you be just friends with someone whom you still love so much? With someone whose voice is the only one that can really calm you down? With someone who knows you to a fault and doesn't even need to hear all the details before he knows exactly what the problem is? I'm not that old or wise but I think it's fair to say that at this point B was the love of my life. And now here we were on this phone call that I had been dreading for a month. I was about to tell him that I met someone new.

There was no point pretending to be calm. My eyes erupted as tears raced down my cheeks. I could barely get the words out between sharp, punctuated breaths. All he could do was be the placid guy that he always was and tell me to take deep breaths or else I'd make myself sick. He wished me happiness. He told me he cared about me. But despite my desperate attempt to tell him I wasn't over him and that I still loved him, he made no reciprocation. This was the point of no return. I looked at the picture I still have of us framed on my mantle. I didn't recognize those two people anymore. They existed somewhere else. It was over. Official break up date? May 31, I guess. I wanted it cut and dry and I sure as hell got it.

1 comment:

Lauren E. said...


PERFECT descriptor. I love that.