The other way

“It hurts that you have so little faith in me. How could you think I – ”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that, I just . . .”

He was right. I had actually had that little faith in him. I don’t know why. I had no reason to doubt his feelings, his commitment, how into me and this relationship he is. But then why had I assumed the worst of him? Why do I default to a “he doesn’t care” standard rather than the other way around? Why do I expect him not to fulfill expectations?

Because it’s easier.

It’s easier than building up my hopes. It’s easier than having my expectations left unmet. It’s easier to assume the worst and then be all the happier when what actually happens is the best. It’s just easier. Easier not being the one who cares more, the one who tries more, the one who hopes and dreams more.

But easy hurts. Easy makes his twinkling eyes sad. Easy brings that broken tone to his voice. Easy creates a gulf. Easy turns to bitter ashes in my mouth.

I can’t keep doing easy any more.