Together

Take Off

My heart hurt for twenty-four hours straight. One of my biggest fears in the whole LDC situation was that I thought it was more than he did. And with his “I don’t want to make all these expectations” comment, I was immediately convinced that my worst fear had come true. I was laboring over this and he didn’t want to deal with clearing three days in his schedule.

Tuesday afternoon he sent me an IM. I tried my best to convey over Gchat that I was angry. It didn’t take too many one-word responses for him to get the hint. “You ok? You seem kind of tense.” I answered that I was but I didn’t really know what to say about it. He pressed me until I finally gave in.

And what followed was honesty. Pure, unabashed honesty. I told him about how the weekend was turning into a mess and I couldn’t believe that he told me he couldn’t take three days out of 365 to just be in town and hang out while I was there. “You act like I dropped a bomb on you today that I was coming in for the weekend and needed you to clear everything you had planned.”

He told me wasn’t going skiing after all and after explaining how he was afraid that it would be like Three’s Company all weekend long and that M. would feel like the third wheel, I assured him I would balance my time and everyone would be happy.

He apologized. Later that night he called and left a voicemail, one of two he has ever left me. He said he was thinking about me. He sent a text later on that simply said, “I can’t wait to see you.”

I fly out tomorrow and I have no idea what'll be in store when I land. All I know is that I feel better about taking off.

React

I almost drowned. Last year. My foot slipped and suddenly I was in over my head. Water all around me. Blue. Bubbles. I didn't open my mouth. My mom kept asking me later if I felt okay, if I'd swallowed any water, if my throat was alright, if I felt like I was choking. I didn't open my mouth. I didn't choke. I didn't drown.

Everyone seems to have great reflexes. You throw a ball and they catch it. Keys, pens, books, you name it. D tossed an adapter at me the other day. I shook my head at him afterward and said "don't you know me at all?!" and picked it up off the floor. The doctor once tapped my knee. Not even the slightest hint of a twitch did I make.

I step off the street without noticing a bus barreling at me. I don't squeal and step back. My foot keeps moving forward, my brain says "oh no..." my eyes fixate on the bus. The bus stops. I set my foot on the ground and move on. My heart beats a little faster, but that is all.

My grandfather died. I heard my grand uncle on the phone. "Appa died" I said to my sister. I picked out the clothes my grandma said he should be cremated in, packed them into a bag to take to the hospital. I held my sister's hand. "Why are you being so stolid, little one?" I hadn't cried.

I noticed the car veering off to the side and off the road. I uttered one short exclamation of surprise. I climbed out into the ditch. I started taking my stuff out of the car.

"Oh man, how do you get through life without getting hurt all the time?" D asks.

I don't know how I avoid getting hit in the head with a ball or getting run over by a bus. But. I didn't open my mouth. I didn't drown. I made myself useful. I didn't turn into a wreck. I didn't freak out.

And I don't know what that's worth when perhaps buses are coming at me from all sides, but it's got to be worth something.

I was a fool, I was a fool to think...

LDC: welllll alright
sooo
i might be going skiing this sunday
that gona be a problem?
me: no, it's fine
LDC: haha ok
u talked to M at all?
me: nope
LDC: sweet
LDC: well ur gona be here soon
its sunny right now
me: nice
LDC: yuppp

10 minutes later...
me: i lied
LDC: about?
me: i don't want you to leave for a whole day when i'm only in town for 3
but i can't tell you not to go skiing
and i can't even guarantee how much i'll even be able to see you that day because no one will make any freaking plans
LDC: well when do u leave sunday?
me: at 9
LDC: ur worrying too much about this i think
me: i'm not worrying, you just caught me off guard
LDC: well dont worry bout it
obviously i wana hangout with u alot
but i cant just clear my schedule for 3 full days
me: i get it
LDC: i dont wana make all these expectations
its stressful
ur gona come up to visit
were gona hook up
have a great time
i wouldnt worry about nething
and i dont wana piss off M by stealing u all weekend

I fly out to Seattle in three days. And what am I supposed to do now?

The OC Series Finale

I’m great at the passive aggressive ending. Texts seem like such a passive way to reach out to a potential mate anyway, that I have no problem ignoring them until the suitor gives up. I’ve heard “If you’re interested, you can call me” more times than I can tell you. But I had never dated anyone from work before and I quickly realized it would not be so easy.

OC: I couldn't tell you this at work but I thought you looked fabulous today. Very cute. I hope you can make it to the office Happy Hour on Friday. If you can, would you like to get a drink with me after? I’d love to hear about the Swell Season concert.
L: Thanks for the invite, but I have plans on Friday.

I know it was cold. If I’d received something like that myself I would’ve been so offended. I might as well have typed “Thanks, busy.”

OC: Ah… ok. It seems like you’re always busy, so if you’d like to hang out again let me know. Hope you’re enjoying the concert.

I spoke to a friend about it the next day and she firmly but gently told me I couldn’t just keep blowing him off. “What if some guy did this to you?” she asked. But the truth was, this had happened to me before. I had been the one blown off, or promised a phone call and never received one, or been told a guy was “really busy” but he’d “get in touch soon.” It feels terrible but it is so much easier than dropping the bomb.

I have a friend who’s great at it. “Listen, Phil, I think you’re a very nice guy and I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, but I just think it’s better if we don’t see each other again.” She said it to his face. I decided since it had to be done with the OC, e-mail was my weapon of choice.

“Hi M.,

Just wanted to drop you a line because I felt bad about my vague text message yesterday. I think you’re such a nice guy and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I just don’t think this is going to work out. I hope we can still be friendly at the office.

All the best,
Lauren”

It should’ve made me feel better. A clean break. Done and done.

But he never responded. Why should he? And today when I saw him in the hallway, he stared down at his hands and bolted in the other direction. I guess I did the right thing by being honest but it sure doesn't feel that way when we pass in the hall.

What a Girl Wants

Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:

To love...