Friday, July 2, 2010

Do you ever...?

Do you ever just feel like crying your heart out but then find that all you're capable of is a silent scream?

And you wish you could tell someone, anyone, everything that's inside and that hurts because maybe that would make it go away but you know you can't, you know there's not a single person you can actually tell, you know you won't find the words, because there are no words. And then you try it anyway, you pick a person, that person who's supposed to be your person, and you try to talk, and you try to say everything that's inside and that hurts, and nothing. It's exactly the way you knew it was going to be. You don't find the words, because there are no words, and you end up getting mad at the person, who's supposed to be your person, and you make that person feel horrid too. And then you hang up and curl into a ball and wish you could get a hug, but you know that it's a good thing there isn't anyone to give you a hug because really, you can't let someone see you cry, and you would push them away anyway and go and be lonely somewhere five feet away. And so you just hug yourself and not-cry for a bit. And then you just pick up your lonely pieces that don't know why they're lonely and you do the everyday things you do just as if nothing ever happened, because really, what did? You didn't cry, you didn't break into a million little pieces, you didn't say anything after all. And maybe the next day you have to explain away a "bad mood" but it's just a blip on the radar after all. neither.


Lauren E. said...

Way to put into words something I feel every once in awhile and can't explain myself. Nicely done.

MP said...

who is the rando who keeps posting links and comments in chinese (i assume) in the comments?! grr, go away rando spammer!

Lauren E. said...

i know! and lately it's been every post. so annoying.