Saturday, May 22, 2010

Bad sister

Her eyes sparkled and she unconsciously fingered her newly acquired wedding band. His smile reached from the sun to the moon as he pulled her up to sing with him. You could see what flowed between them, wrapped around them, a cocoon of love and joy.

They were proud. They were happy. They were blinking away tears of joy that appeared without notice and just as quickly turned into yet another beaming smile. They just added a son to their family after all. A son they loved and admired, one who made their daughter laugh from a secret, magical joy.

The lights twinkled and jumped as everyone raised their voices, belting out familiar tunes. I bopped my head along and mouthed the words to Lovefool. Loud and often off-key, everyone sang from the depths of their hearts. The love flowing through the air made the atmosphere heavy and light at the same time, gave new life to the tunes. Those friends who couldn't keep their happiness from their faces even if they tried, those older family members who became young for a day just to celebrate, just for one hour more, then another.

And then I was sitting in a corner, leaning against the seat cushions, struggling to keep the corners of my mouth from turning down. A wave of sadness washed over me as I receded far away from them. Far from the noise, the joy, the love, the bonds, the happiness. The room fell back from me. The lights suddenly viciously brilliant, the edges of the picture sharp and precise, the music sounding as if it was from another party, the one I desperately wanted to go to, but couldn't. I reached out for D's hand, even as I sank. My heart was drowning in sorrow and wanting and need. I was empty. And I didn't know why.

On the plane ride back I looked out at the coastline as we rose above the beach. White pure clouds. And my lips quivered. And all I wanted at that time was to crash and die. Isn't it horrible and scary how much detail imagination can provide? The plane plummeting through layers of wispy clouds, straight through the sky, and exploding into the blue, blue, oh so blue, ocean in a chaos of flames and water.

I should be happy for her. I am happy for her. For both of them.
But at that moment.
I know that my family is mine. That they love me. That she loves me. That she will always be a part of me. And I will always be a part of her.
I know it.
But at that moment.
I know this is their time. I should celebrate them instead of looking only to myself.
But at that moment.
I know that I'm not losing her. How can you lose something you never had in the first place?
But at that moment.
I joined in with gusto You are my Wonderwaaaaaaaaaaaallll.

And now.
I don't know how to stop crying when I don't even know what I'm sad about.


Lauren E. said...

This is SO beautifully stated. Pretty sure I've been there before.

Morgan said...

This made me cry. And I'm glad for that. My sister just got engaged and it's so bittersweet.