Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Playing it Cool

I went out with a boy who got me all excited. At long last, after a year of so-so dates (or no dates at all), my heart has done the flutter. I was worried that the flat line might be my fate.

I'm trying to pay attention to my heart, rather than using my brain to draw lines and conclusions that make me feel safe. I'm also trying to shut up my inner dialogue: "why on earth would he flirt with me? clearly there's something horribly wrong with him." This over-analyzing only produces criticism. He has a crazy laugh. Maybe he's a psychopath. He's being too charming. He only wants to get me into bed. He's overly honest. He's apologizing for being nervous. He's trying too hard. He's trying to play me. He can tell that I feel rusty and out of practice in dating, and he's taking advantage of that. Obviously my family will disapprove. I'll never attract the guy who's 'good enough for me' in their eyes. Endless loop of crap.

Decision: I'm going to play it cool. I'm going to let him pursue me, if he chooses, because at least then I can remove him and all the accompanying mental chatter from the equation of my life. And go back to living it.


Sash said...

i can't wait to call you back!

JRenee said...

Dearest, I know this so well. I think the process has become so important for me and the healing of my heart. Take your own advice and just let him. Your own discernment is probably correct, but it will be so good for you to let go a little bit and trust yourself to walk the process wisely. Go for it!